The cold darkness envelopes the sky,

alone he stands on the grass fenced for both.

There doesn't seem to have many stars up high,

for he plucked down most all for the throne.

All kingdom come in eternity's wake,

while his bark bleeds as the cold wind whips.

The fruits ripen with each growing day,

only to "boom" as its cold core breaks.

Shiny raindrops the stars become

falling off his thick bark face.

He swoops his heavy massive branch,

and the fruits fall off to meet their fate.

He swings and sways and turns insane,  

as all the fruits decay and fade.

His hair withers and he stands in shame,

all alone behind the fenced up gate.

A strong gust rips the fence off ground,

along with him who is dead fall now.

His eyes peers open as he hears a sound,

"fwoosh" a shooting star up high he wonders how.

He closes his eyes and makes a wish,

and wants to pluck the stars up high.

He struggles and stands with all his twigs,

and stands once more to reach the sky.

   There are so many things left unaccomplished. So many happy times left unshared. One thing I regret the most is to mention you in my blog. We have been through so much together, all the magic that we've had in our life. It is only till now that it's dissipating that I start talking about it.

   My selfish stand for not wanting to mention you into my blog was that she still reads my blog occasionally and I didn't want to hurt her. Insufficient time has past since my breakup with her made me think that she would be affected. Right now, it's been close to a year to our breakup and she's attached. By now, both you and I have shared many emotional memories together throughout these times.

   Remember how we started nini? You broke up with peng, and called me one night while I was in camp having fun with my fellow specs. You wanted to know how my best friend felt and his thoughts about your breakup. I gave you sound advice, and that cleared your head for a brief moment. I never heard from you since, until 2 months later I met you at peng's 21st birthday party. We never really talked much then. I was still attached then. It was heart wrenching when Rex and I saw how u patted peng's head to clean off the flour on his head. At that time, I felt sorry for you. I wanted to offer a ride home for you, but peng declined so I left it at that. I remembered I sang once at partyworld orchard with you and ferd and I thought that it'd be nice for us to sing together sometime again. Well it did happen 1 month later at cine kbox, when you contacted me through msn. Haha... I remember you got tempted to visit some of the clothes shop and made me wait outside. Oh ya and you wore heels and made me look short. It was kind of awkward to be 'shopping' with you since we barely knew each other. I teased you as "chao lao bin" for looking matured at your age. *blushes

   I am very certain that you initiated chat sessions on the initial stage, but always with a reason. First we were contemplating on another ktv session with your friends. I brought Allan and you brought 'susie'. We met up and went for the kbox at Toa Payoh. There, you were promoting your choir concert to me. Soon after I started msging you regarding the tickets, and in that chat, you promoted your 'heal the world' concert as well. I guess we started chatting more since then. Some time later, you met JT at rapture and told me that you formed a kind of liking to him. I was still attached then so I didn't do anything funny. I felt closer to you, but not to the extent of falling for you yet at that point of time. Maybe I talked to you too much, and that made her insecure.

   Some time later, we broke up and you were there for me as a good friend, giving me sound advice on how I should be coping. You were preparing for your A-levels and I made you something as a form of encouragement. Remember what it was? We had our first long chat on the phone and subsequently you offered to meet me at harborfront. We subsequently met up on both xmas eve and new year's eve. We took some pictures and you saw the charming side of me. =)

   We talked almost everyday online and we naturally hit it off well given our habit of chatting often. We became closer and closer. At that time, you were supposed to still be feeling something for JT, until I came into the picture. We were simply too close. Remember how we chatted everynight on the phone when your sis was away in Australia? I brought it up to my buddies that you and I grew to become very close. We also claimed that we will not be together because of many implications like your family and my buddy peng. Until they sort of gave the green light, we became more open towards our feelings for each other.

   On the 1st week of February, I went down to causeway point almost everyday to pick you up. We made a new friend whom you thought highly of, telling me she's pretty. Obviously, I'd say you were better. Remember me sending you to Westcoast park for 3 nights? We rested on the net looking at the stars, and I told you how I yearned to look at the stars with someone whom I feel for. The second night we were sitting at one of the playgrounds. I call that the left playground. We had hot milo and enjoyed each other's company under the stars, again. On the third night, we went to the right playground. You took of your shoes and sat beside me. You explored my camera, and took some pictures, under the stars, again. At that time, I thought that would be the last time I could bring you to the park, because your work had ended.

   On the 9th of Feb, I fell ill just the day after we spent the night under the stars. You came over to my place to visit me. We felt the closeness, the cosiness and the passion. Our hands touched and our eyes met, followed by our lips. You told me to kiss you all I want for that might be the only time we could do that. We met up more often, online that is, and talked on the phone throughtout the nights that follow. You found a job at harborfront and I sent you home almost everyday. You came over to my place again on my birthday, and shared intimate moments together. We set off for vivocity to meet my buddies for carnivore buffet.

   I joined you for work at harborfront shortly after that, and we decided to be officially together on the date of 9th Feb since that was the day we first held hands. The times we spent were magical. Full of joy and passion. I never imagined that I'd be so in love again after all that had happened to me. You gave me the strength to fall in love again. The same way I did for you. We were really happy together weren't we?  

   On April 16th, I started work at Balaclava. It was a hell of a place. I managed to get some time off early to spend time with you on your birthday on the 18th. Shopping spree! Days past when I was working there and I took up many bad habits. I became a different person and you grew to become more sensitive. We started to have bad fights just 3 months into our relationship. as I thought enough time had past, I decided to leave the job for you. Things went better for a while but our fights still persisted. During the months of June and July, we had equal share of bliss and pain. We both started to show the ugly sides of us openly but were still willing to go all out for each other.

   August came, we both started schooling. Things got worse for me. What the heck. University workload is stressful. I am still having lots of difficulty coping with my work. At the same time, we had lots of disagreements. Today, marks the time of a revelation. Can our relationship still work? Our last fight was a bad one. Can whatever we've been through bring us further? Closer? I miss you badly my baby. I miss you so much. How I wish you can still be the one whom I can watch the stars with.

   6th February... I lie on the net, with nini baby beside me, and raise my hand towards the stars, wanting to pluck more stars to place into the globe of faith, my globe, my world, my faith, my life, my body, my heart, my soul, my love. Beyond the cosmos...

   Words. Are they said to destroy us, or make us? Or are words merely a tool that justifies our actions and puts us to the test of what we are? Actions. Do we commit them to pick on the things that upset us or are they done for a greater and more meaningful purpose?

   I am a sinner. My past involved countless letdowns. I had adopted escapism as an approach of soothing my inexcusable past. Because of me being caught up in self-indulgence, I lost sight of who and what was most important to me. Love. Family and friends, those who deserve the greatest of my attention. I always tell myself that I'm capable of the greatest things, one being to put the people I love and care for above all else, especially myself. I wish to do that and I can do that. I yearn to right my wrongs.

   I hate my old self and I never dared to look back to my younger schooling days. To me, there simply were too many things that I wasn't happy about myself. People who are close to me can totally understand how I feel. But I stopped running away from it. I came to terms with my past and accepted it the moment I received an immensely painful scar a year ago. Till now, I have been working on how to appreciate the people around me more.

   Among the many people whom I've disappointed, there's this one person, who meant alot to me. He deserves to be mentioned. It's a 20 year old story.

   My younger brother came into my life when I was 2 years old. My mom used to tell me how I doted on him, always "sayang-ed" him when he was just so small. As we grew older, my parents were always pleased seeing how we used to play together. I was the dominant bully and he was the gentle peacemaker. He always let me win and did things my way. Having spent so many of our adolescant years together, he looked up to me as the absolute role model, hoping that one day he could do as well as me in everything he saw in me. I was his pride and joy despite him being my punching bag. I snatched his toys away from his hands, pinched him hard, hit him in the eye with a barrage of punches and he'd always cry and plead "gor gor very pain". But everytime he cried, and struck my guilt, I'd ease down, stroke his hair and hug him saying, "ok liao don't cry." He would just rub his eyes, wipe off his tears and hug me back.

   He grew really attached to me. We'd do all sorts of fun stuffs together at the playground downstairs. We'd play catching (which I always caught him) and climbed the "dragon's tail". I remember he was caught in the rain once and I ran out just to join him. Those childhood days will always be imprinted on my mind.

   We grew older and started schooling. Same primary school, same school bus, same lunch and same cca. Wow we were really something back then. Me being the big bro saying all the big brotherly protective words, "If your friends bully you tell me cos I'm the prefect. Prefect is very big one you know? Like policeman in school leh." At times I'd catch a glimpse of how he was doing in the canteen. That small little brother of mine... so skinny yet so active. "If anything bad were to happen to him I'll really burn the school down.", I thought. We'd talk about the little puppy crushes at home before we sleep. Shared the same bedroom and all. Often gave funny names to the fun activities we did. Our favourite "meet-a-ting" which was the origin of my action figure collection hobby. I remember the songs that we used to listen and sing together... He'd get me the things that I always wanted (although he claimed that they were his possession) like cassette tapes and very expensive cds (cds were way too expensive for us back then). "Now 1", a cassette tape that he bought from a shophouse across the road. I remember seeing him run back from my window, crossing the road which made my heart pump faster as he was so darn young and small. I smiled when I saw him crossed the road safely.

   Marvel hero toys and cards were part of the many things that we enjoyed hunting down and collected together. I'd draw pictures for him as gifts which he treasured dearly and kept in a plastic black clip briefcase-esque file. We were inseparable. Family outings and overseas trip made us the happiest of children. Australia gold coast... We had a great time playing by the beach. My slipper was washed into the sea and he tried to retrieve it as the wave was towering over him. I screamed for his name with great desperation... So worried that the wave would consume him. Universal studios LA... Played all the rides that accepted our height limits and visted the marvel store! Found "havok" in his x-factor suit but never bought it.

   Time past and I wanted independence. Privacy with my own circle of friends and not with my family members. I started leaving my bro behind in school, and eventually left him out for most of my activities. He hinted to join me, saying he did not want to go home yet, or even came up with excuses saying, "ah-ma never cook." I simply went on ahead without him.

   He couldn't get into the same secondary school as me and we were both separated for the first time. I made more new friends and neglected him even more. I grew a temper and became strict and harsh towards him and only spoke to him as and when I needed him. I started staying over at a friend's place often and missed out alot on our usual bedtime chat sessions. He'd do the things we used to do like joining the same cca we had in primary school to form an attachment of what we used to do in the past. I then had a girlfriend. A serious one, and I totally put him out of the picture. I cast him out of the bedroom for my own and pretended not receiving his messages and calls.

   I was out of reach. He thought he lost me for good. We used to be inseparable...

   It's been over 8 years since we had a good heart to heart talk. Give me a chance to reach you, just like the good old days. Give me a chance to be a better brother and let me right my wrongs. You are not forsaken. I've grown, and still growing. You have grown too. We may have our own lives now but our bond will always be there. You ain't heavy, you're my brother. If you need to reach the skies, big'ol bro me can still lift you up with all my gym trained muscles, all the bones that support me and every drop of my thickest blood to see you achieving that. This song is for you, or for us. It shall be a constant reminder of what I can do for you, and what you can do for me. You belong in the skies and you shall soar with glory. You are every bit stronger than what you think you are. You can because you are made for much greater things. You are definitely better than me.

The road is long
With many a winding turn
That leads us to who knows where
Who knows where

But I'm strong
Strong enough to carry him
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

So on we go
His welfare is of my concern
No burden is he, to bear
We'll get there
For I know
He would not encumber me
He ain't heavy, he's my brother

If I'm laden at all
I'm laden with sadness
That everyone's heart
Isn't filled with the gladness
Of love for one another

It's a long, long road
From which there is no return
While we're on our way to there
Why not share

And the load
Doesn't weigh me down at all
He ain't heavy, he's my brother
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

   Royce, together we will be an unstoppable force. Mom and dad will be proud of us. Let's prove this to everyone! Our friends, girlfriends and ourselves. They shall bask in our glory with joy and happiness together with us in our existence!

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you want

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

   To me, you were an important part of my life. You played an important role in making me what I have became. I'm more sensible, more understanding and stronger. I've grown up. Now, I know how to love. You taught me how to. We both moved on. You're a much stronger person than I am. I'm so proud to have known you for seemingly my entire teenage/youth life thus far. This is a tribute to our 6 year long relationship. One that I'll never forget.

   -

   -

   -

Excerpts From "ERnJY"

   -

   (Choir sings)

   TKChoir:"Super trouper beams are gonna blind me but I won't feel blue, Like I always do, Cos somewhere in the crowd there's you..."

   ER:"That girl in pink... isn't she pretty?"

   -

   Once, you were the love of my life. We shared a wonderful journey with each other, covering almost everywhere on this island, and sharing every possible intimate moment. I remembered most of the details, of how we first met and spoke to each other you ("Don't worry. I'm not gonna shake your hands, I'm lionheart"..."Jia Yu Hu Xiao?"... I'll be at your tkchoir chatroom."), how we talked through the late nights ("Typing's slow. Let's talk on the phone instead... "Oh we have the same subject combi! Studying R&J too."), our first date ("How was flag day?"... At suntec mac, caught a glimpse of my date peeping into my bag! ), the first time I held your hands (Along the street after alighting from the bus. Why are you rubbing my hands? Heck I'll just grab it.) and our first kiss (At the staircase. "Hope nobody sees us... God, don't stop."). How magical.

   -

   ER : "Are your legs tired?"

   JY : "No... What about you? I like walking with you. Holding your hand this way."

   ER :"My legs aren't tired... But our palms sure are sweaty aren't they?"

   (laughters)

   ER :"I am actually walking you home all the way from Siglap South CC!Nevertheless it's meaningful because that's where we first met and spoke to each other... It's memorable..."

   (smiles and blushes)

   -

   ER:"Happy Valentine's Day."

   JY:"Waa... Thanks for the roses."

   ER:"3 means I love you. And Guess What I got for you?"

   (ER hands JY 2 bears each holding a letter "I" and "U". JY smiles.)

   ER:"Now you can complete 'I Love U' with the 3 bears. Plus 3 stalks of roses. Ta Dah! I LOVE YOU! Oh ya... and look at these test tubes. I ordered them from school. Aren't they cool? Look at the initials..."

   (JY interrupts with a hug. kisses)

   -

   Songs we used to sing together have slowly began to fade into the back of our minds. Escape. Let's escape back to Bedok North, can we? Where the night came down and the stars shone, on the two of us so in love. You held my hands, and I took you all the way to the top of the world, then brought you safely down. A love song in the void deck, led to a love story on a ferris wheel ("See! I told you I would take you to the top of the world!"... Kisses).

   -

   At the void deck. Bedok North Street 2. Beneath JY's old Block.

   ER :"Let me sing you a song that I'm gonna sing for my school's songfest."

   JY :"Okay. I'm ready anytime."

   ( ER sings) 

   JY:"Not bad. It's a nice song."

   ER:"Not bad only?"

   JY:"I think you sound good. But can be better la. Sing to me more often and you can improve."

   -

   The carnival. Causeway Point grass patch. ER walking with a super poseable spider-man 1 movie toy in his hand given to him by JY. JY who is hugging a giant stuffed husky ER has won for her is walking beside him.

   JY :"Wow... This is fun! You are so good at throwing the hoops!"

   ER: "Hey! Let's go ride the ferris wheel! I wanna give you something."

   JY: "Ok naughty boy! Ah gene Ichiban!"

   Atop the ferris wheel

   ER:"I took you all the way to the top of the world. See! I told you I would take you all the way to the top of the world!"

   (JY smiles and weeps. They are tears of joy.)

   JY:"Thank you. There's nothing you can't accomplish. I believe in miracles with you by my side. You are the greatest! My most handsome gene. I love you!"

   (Cuddles and kisses)

   ER:"I'd do anything for you. My love."

   -

   Not everything was smooth sailing throughout this journey. There have been ups and downs. I had a temper. Frustrations were vented at the expense of your feelings. You'd hold on to me and comfort me in the most gentle soothing voice ("Don't be angry. I'm sorry."). On some occasions, tears of sorrow would roll out from your eyes... ("Why must you do this to me?").

    When visions blur, you lose yourself. You get disorientated. You get confused. That's when you try too hard, and do too much for your love. You gave your best to me.

   -

   At Lakeside MRT station.

   JY:"I have something for you!"

   ER:"Oh. What is it? You know I hate surprises."

   (JY takes out a ring she just bought for ER. She smiles.)

   JY:"Na... For you!"

   ER:"Wow... The ring...  You bought the replacement ring for the one that I've lost?"

   JY:"I'm sorry I couldn't get you the exact same design. The guy said that it's out of production. Hope you can make do with this one."

   ER: "I will. And I'll treasure it and keep it properly this time. Thank you... Thank you so much..."

   -

   In SISPEC camp. ER in bunk lying on his bed talking to JY on the phone.

    JY:"The lady just called me that there's the invisible woman at that outlet. I will rush down to collect for you."

   ER:"Ok ok... Wow thanks man."

   JY:"I love hunting toys for you. Seeing you so happy brightens up my day."

   -

   At home. In ER's room.

   JY:"I can pay for the absorbing man. Please control your expenses. I don't like you eating into our savings. You said you'd put in 100 dollars every month but you haven't been doing so for months. You need to start saving for us. Is it a must to buy from ebay? I had a hell of a time getting that super skrull last time. I'm scared of encountering sellers like them."

   ER:" If I don't buy it here how can I ever get it? You want me to fly to UK to get it meh?"

   -

   There are times when people want to get in touch of their more gentle side. For some, it happens right after an accident. It almost seem like an enlightenment after an accident. A boy sees the light. Then he wants to share his love to the people he cares for. How far will he share his love? How long can he sustain that? Can he be consistent?

   -

   At Jurong Point. Outside Lee Hwa Jewellery. JY Admires the diamond ring ER bought for her.

   JY:"Wow... It's so pretty... Thanks dear for giving me such a great birthday present! It's so beautiful."

   ER:"I'm glad that you love it. It's your 21st birthday! It's a big day so you deserve a big present from me! I can afford anyway."

   (JY smiles with bliss)

   JY:"Thank you. Isn't it pretty? Does it look pretty on me?"

   ER:"Baby, you look perfect in anything."

   -

   At home. ER and JY lying on bed in ER's room. ER recuperating from an injury.

   JY:"Baby... I'm sorry. Is it painful?"

   (JY weeps)

   ER:"Ssss... It burns. I think it will leave a mark. Well at least I have something to remember you for. A mark of your love. It's a scar that I will love."

   (ER smiles as he consoles JY in his arms)

   JY:"I'm so sad... I've caused you such unimaginable pain."

   ER:"Hush my baby... You made me learn something. You made me learn to be noble. To be selfless. I think of all the worry that's in my parents' faces. I think of the worry in your face. If I can't be strong and pick myself up, how can I make everyone else feel good? I don't wanna let anyone down. That's also the reason why I will still perform tomorrow evening. I don't want to disappoint my friends who bother to make a trip down. I care, because they care."

   JY:"You will put up a good show tomorrow. I'll give you my fullest support."

   ER:"Baby... There will be no tomorrow without you. And from this day on, I promise that I will never disappoint you in any way. I wanna try to be a loving hubby... And you be my lovely wifey."

   JY:"Really? Okay I shall trust you. I believe you. I'm confident you won't let me down."

   ER:"I promise."

   (Both hook their pinky fingers)

   -

   In the many chapters of our lives, what are the ones that are the most defining? What are worth remembering and what are not?

   Pandas dancing. Muddy Mudpies. Marshmallow. Planet's funniest animals. Mr Moon choc. SaKay Sushi. Lee Hwa Jewellery. Coco. Marvel legends. South Park. Rex's swimming pool. Tanning. Black night gown. Marvel Comics. Pok pok. Marvel productions. Jurong point. Bah Bah. Long mao in my wardrobe. Tien Tien. Cats in my neighbourhood. Chalet at East Coast. Angel. Dynasty Warriors Da Qiao, Xiao Qiao, Zhen ji, SunShangXiang, Zhurong, YueYing. Luau. Puss in boots. Marvel Showdown. Bluey. Dustpan. Birthday at East Coast. Long bus rides to the east. Shuai Shuai. Coffee bean. PS. Zoo. Clarke Quay. Fish n Co. Snoopy mug. Winnie the POON. AJi Ichiban, Bubble Tea. Red Pearl Milk Tea. Peppermint milk tea. Armani Hairstyle. Roses. Lucky stars. Toilet roll letters. Birthday Cards. Xmas cards. Taiwan trip phone calls. Dog Meow Diary. Sima road rose. ATM machines. GnB comics. Meritus Mandarin Prom. Airport. Cheddar. Didi mei mei. Bits n Pieces. Precious Thots. Perlini's. Bugis. Guide books. Ebay. Disney on ice. Polo Raulph. Neo prints. 933 fm. class95. Toys r us. Lame dancing. Silly actions. Xiaoxin. Triderm. Pimple cream. Royal Health Clinic. Hamsterball. DBS iBanking. Bleach. Kon. Bank passbook. Mini bolster from spotlight. Kbox. Photos. Snoring. Fart leak. Partyworld. GV. Parappa the rapper. Escape. Pocahontas. ABBA. Choir. Siglap. Bedok North. Yew Tee. Jurong West st 52 blk 535 #09-477. 21st Birthday. Friday evenings. Weekends. DBS GO card. Jurong West St 42 blk 552 #07-323. My babies, the rest of them. Sorry. Toyfare. Parc oasis. JJC Love Fiesta. Open Arms. SP. My house t-shirts. Whitley's animal hospital. SPCA. Goat farm. Sungei Buloh. Air-con. Taka. Kino. Spiderwoman. 232814. My parents. Ah ma. My bro. My password. Chevrons. Talentime at NTU. Carnival. Giant husky. "I U Heart" bears. Indian Bear. 3rd of every month. Ferris Wheel. Our hugs. Our lips. Our promises. The love of our lives............................................................. 3rd Feb 2001.

      Memories? They come and go. Set adrift memory's bliss. They all make the seeming never ending chapters in our lives. Mine? I can remember all. I can go on and on. That's what I am capable of. But some things got to stop. Thus the fullstops. The harsh reality constantly moulds you. The innocence. The promises. The love. "Lost forever, if I never knew you."

   Thank you. You were the most amazing. Take care, my love, my best friend.

   Jiayu. Heart. =)

   -

   ER:"Wow! Look at that girl in pink! Is she an angel? That pink girl..."

   TKchoir:"So I say
                  Thank you for the music, the songs Im singing
                  Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
                  Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
                  What would life be? 
                  Without a song or a dance what are we? 
                  So I say thank you for the music
                  For giving it to me.........."

"That pink girl."

End.

ERnJY, 3rd February 2001 - 07 October 2006

   -

   -

   -

A tribute to the one, Seet Jiayu, who has given me the best for the past 5 years 8 months and 4 days. Thanks for ending the vicious cycle and for setting me free. Lead a good life.

Your Bestie.

   The smoke from my lit cigarette filled the air. I'm not a smoker, or so I claimed. You want to know what a heart break feels like? Light up a cancer stick, and take in a deep breath full of smoke. That choking feeling that makes you want to throw up, that's what a heart break feels like. Your bossom is so cramped and tight, so much that you want to throw up. No it's not from any form of disgust, but from the initial numbness that you get from an unimaginable pain, probably like that from a crocodile's ferocious bite. A reptilian bite is infectious. It turns you into something less human, an abomination.

   In this world, we got to live with lies, no matter how contemptible and vicious they can be. You feel bad about it. But guess what? A choice has to be made, from one that is equally execrable or one that is graciously benevolent. It is usually boiled down to love or hate. Simply put it, which ever you will feel more comfortable with. Me? I'm greedy. I am an abomination. I choose to be fiendish first, then solicitous by leaving the killer croc alone.

   I used to think about hate. What exactly that meant to me. I hated someone for months, or some THING, so immensely that it was overwhelming. I hated it when I could be hurt by something intangible, somewhat omniscient, which was all around me that I couldn't fight back. When I tried retaliating, I found myself swinging my arms relentlessly punching the air around me. I was never able to hit anything! I hated the idea of being hurt by someone whom I did not get to know how he looked like. He was everywhere around me but I couldn't see! Then, hate revealed itself to me. He was no man. Or at least who I thought HE would be. It manifested in the form of a crocodile, a goddess of nile. I was disappointed, because I couldn't get through her hide and was bitten hard. I couldn't lay a finger on the goddess of nile. I was left with defeat, in shame and anger as she gnawed on my fist that separated from my hand. Physical pain led to an emotional agony. You know what a real heart looks like? It's like a fist, only that it's covered in blood. Just like mine in the killer croc's elongated mouth beneath her razor sharp teeth. 

   A female crocodile bites harder than her male counterparts. True crocs don't chew, they swallow after trapping their preys by pretending to be a log, or lying still (pun fully intentional). But this one chews on hard. What an aweful sight. The word used is awe.

   I spared the details on everything. Congrats on making me feel like shit. You beat an invincible abomination, goddess of nile.

Eerie whispers
trapped beneath my pillow
won't let me sleep
your memories

and I know you're in this room
I'm sure I heard you sigh
Floating in between
where our worlds collide

scares the hell out of me
and the end is all I can see
and it scares the hell out of me
and the end is all I can see

and I know the moment's near
and there's nothing you can do
look through a faithless eye
are you afraid to die?

it scares the hell out of me
and the end is all I can see
and it scares the hell out of me
and the end is all I can see

   Dilatory, laggard, somnolent, torpid and indolent are just a few out of many words that can be used to describe what I am right now. I shall rise from the pathetic dormancy that I've been living in for now.

   Just a quick update on what I've been doing for the past few weeks... Okay for the past few months. I got a job through an agency and was working for 2 weeks at Singapore Cruise Centre. It was a hell of a job because I had a hell of a time there... Slacking! WooHoo!! Can anyone imagine how it is possible to get paid so much doing really menial stuff like data entry? Okay so it was only for 2 weeks... Too bad for me. Well I consider myself to be really lucky to be able to get slack jobs. Even when I was in the army, it was lax for me as well. Speaking of army, I've been out from it for some time now and guess what I've learnt? ORD doesn't stand for 'Official Release Date', it stands for 'Operational Ready Date'. What the FARK?! Ah, profanity does bring out the expression vividly.

   I'll be going to NTU in May studying Business. That will be during the special term where most of the students are taking their break. For me and those who have matriculated for the special term intake, we shall be prepared to see only guys, except for seniors, if they are around. We will most likely not mingle with them anyway. All army boys again. How exciting... I'm so thrilled. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that we will be having the exam 5 weeks after school starts. I am so freaking thrilled man. Hahaha! As demotivated as I may sound, I'm actually looking forward to enter the university soon. I can't wait to enter another phase in my life, and face more intriguing challenges. My brothers will also be there as my seniors... That's for repeating JC for a year, smart aleck gene! Still, it should be interesting for them to guide me around the campus and help me acclimatize to the new place.

   Alright. Time for me to wake up and get ready for the next phase (what I feel inside)... But I'm so sleepy, lethargic right now (what I'm feeling physically. Hey you need rest to venture a long tough journey too don't you?). Nap time!

   She used to give surgery, for the books of the chauvinists, and it wears her out.

   She bought a polystyrene toy, for a fake polystyrene boy, and it crumbled and burnt.

   She stood on her worn out legs, but gravity always wins. She tumbled and fell, and falls.

   She held a pot of a single stalk, which withered upon the winter's heat. It crumbled and burnt. 

   She looks like the real thing.

   Tastes like the real thing.

   Smells like the real thing.

   She felt like the real thing...

   My fake plastic love. It wears me out.

   It's been more than 2 years since my last entry. It is now the year 2007. Everything seems nolstalgic again after I read my last entry. It's almost as if I left my 'universal remote' on 'auto-pilot' (courtesy to the movie click), and I'm propelled into a future where the most feared and undesired events have already taken place. What had happened to me during my absence? It's silly to be asking myself something that only I should know. The thing is do I really know? What have I gotten out during this long period of absence? I'm still finding out.

   I woke up at 7.30am this morning, feeling like how I normally do when I got out of bed. I came to my computer and felt like doing something. I have lots of thoughts going through my mind, and lots of emotions going through my heart. Thinking of all those, it led me here. Things are so different now. I'm no longer staying in the house where I had lived for over 20 years. This room feels like a foreign place, an artificial paradise where you get to enjoy in, but lacked the cosiness and human warmth to it. This room is dead. How the hell did I end up here? What has happened while I was here that made it so dead?

   Family and friends knew I was in love. A love that could only be felt in my youthful age. I was young, I still am, just slightly older, but the difference is that I had love and now I don't. How did it happen? I don't really know. Logically to speak, she left. Anyway this is what makes sense. To think beyond logic complicates things, rendering them incomprehensible, and the more determined you try to comprehend and not find the answer, you start to breed giant leeches inside that suck the life out of you.

   Mechanics. Defense. A well thought out defensive mechanism can seemingly protect yourself from getting hurt.  Sometimes, a dead mechanical devise thought out to protect yourself is placed within your living mind, body and soul. Do these mechanics fit in? They make you cold because they are dead. No matter how strongly guarded a person is, they still feel. Life still triumphs over the dead cold because life is represented by beauty and its living warmth. The reason why people turn cold is because they allow these mechanics to shield them, not knowing or probably knowing that over time they will be over-reliant on them and be controlled. What I know from a few instances is that they turn them selfish and brings out their self-centredness, rendering them incapable to feel and express their capability to show their warmth and love. I was hurt badly. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I am human, and I'm not ashamed to claim that I feel. I'm terrified of getting hurt again but I'm not going to let that fear hinder my ability to open up and to love. I am courage and strength. I have survived the worst and was able to stand up. My defense? It's a flame of undying passion. Not any sort of mechanical devise that makes me cold. I will never be hurt by ice or cold steel or thorns or blades because they can't get through my nova flames. I know myself. I am life. Love me and enjoy the warmth with me. Hurt me and be scorched.

   Paving a lonely road in the depths of my heart, a life with no lover that I need to adapt to. It won't take long for the one to appear again. Flames attract life. Life has the living warmth. There is no need to wait, and no need to find. The one with the warmth will come to me.